wowiez

back to california in TWO days...

i don't know how to feel about this transition.

it's not how i expected it to be, i thought i would be so excited to go back just until a month ago..

but now that it's here, i'm left feeling lethargic, even a little nervous for the unknown happenings that will inevitably come crashing down, all at once as soon as i land my feet on the sunshine state.

who knows? maybe all of this dependency and somewhat of freedom will magically diminish as reality hits my face like splash of ice cold water.

all i know right now is to be mentally and physically ready.

FACK

we are the world

first of all, i have to admit that above is a corny saying.. but i also admit that admitting to that concept has taken me a while, maybe my whole life, until these days..

i still dont think i have a complete grasp of it yet. i cant believe im writing this on internet, but whatever.

the past 2 years of living alone and completely isolating myself from the rest of the world, has got me into a little trouble- i stopped seeing "people" for who they are. i couldn't possibly relate myself to anybody, even my family and friends. then i started to build a massive wall around me, telling myself that there was nobody that understands me, i'm a loner, an outcast. i freaked the fuck out. this VERY weird habit that i developed has often made me so frozen, so fake, so everything bad. i couldnt stand being so awkward and self-conscious about what others would think of me, what they were thinking about me, but most stupidly, what i was thinking of myself. then i realized... it wasn't just the 2 years of isolation thats made me this way, those years just intensified things.. i realized i lived my whole life inside a thick wall, ever since our family's immigration to canada. from then on i could only focus on seeing the differences, given the fact that i was in no doubt "physically" different from anybody around me.

but now im realizing that we're all the same, no matter where i go, people are people. as sad and stupid as this sounds, this is a new concept for me. i need to let go, let myself be, and accept and welcome everyone as they truly are.

hazaa!

learning to accept the things the way they are... it's a harder task than it sounds.

i've realized i've been very pessimistic maybe for maybe my whole life, not satisfied with where i am, always trying to be better, always conscious, and even selfish at times. i needed a change in my life, and focusing on what was important has helped me see things a little more clearly, thus the beginning of an important organization of my goals achieved, and yet to be achieved. everything kind of seems to make sense now, because of this:

i think i found a concept of love... more open, forgiving, selfless, but confident. why spend our days worrying about everything when we all know our mortality is well, mortal? (ha ha ha..)

i just realized to disregard the bullshit, and focus on the word "love", which can be interpreted in so many different ways.

i can't tell if my dog is asleep or not, his eyes are half open. he had 4 slices of watermelon, ate them to the last bit. hes a charmer.

this was a good post. now i can look back at this and be proud of myself for not being lazy.

colorado.

taking some time off such a hectic schedule and having time to relax is turning out to be a very good thing.

i've gotten to know myself a little better... learning to accept the things i cannot change, and having the courage to change the things i can. i think im doing okay, i think im doing better. a little less time spent on what i do, and more time spent on who i am..was maybe something that needed to happen, that was aching to happen, but then wasn't the right time nor place.

i want to take advantage of this phase of my life, to learn something new about myself each day, to focus my energy on self-development, accepting the fact that i'm not perfect, im prone to mistakes and flaws. i feel like i can complain so much about how i was raised, the things i was taught growing up, and how it has affected me, etc.. but i don't want to. complaining does nothing but create more problems, and my past can never carry on to my future.

im going to do focus on two things the remainder of my break:

1. focusing on ME.

2. focusing on MY art.

i hope they turn out to connect themselves together. i have a good feeling about this. i have absolutely no clue of how to go about doing these two things, but i somehow know in my guts that it'll all work out in the end. the least i can do is believe.. believing is underrated. having the ability to believe deeply in something i think is something to be respected for, and admired.

i'm rambling on, but writing all this down is helping me clear and organize my thoughts into sections.

okay, this is good enough for now.

more lata!

just bs-ing

friday morning..!

school is draining me. but the rain here is so soaking.

i need to get out there.. wherever 'there' is, to do something to accomplish, to prove to myself of my limits.. and it has to be something different than art.. its too overrated for me, at least.

school is such a forced environment- i need inspiration. an idea, a thought.. or many thoughts, to get me moving on to a different path- to look at things from another angle, in a quest for something deeper.. where people can connect to my thoughts in that specific time, place, and mood. its acceptable. i just wanna say go ahead.. figure me out. its art. it's MY art.

creating something isn't the hard part. it's about finding those little imperfections, the glits and errors.. we as people always tend to overlook these things, we wanna see whats supposed to be right, what's normal, ordinary, plain, boring... those are the last things i want to see. that's bullshit to me. ..

maybe i had too much coffee earlier.

time to zzzzap