wowiez

back to california in TWO days...

i don't know how to feel about this transition.

it's not how i expected it to be, i thought i would be so excited to go back just until a month ago..

but now that it's here, i'm left feeling lethargic, even a little nervous for the unknown happenings that will inevitably come crashing down, all at once as soon as i land my feet on the sunshine state.

who knows? maybe all of this dependency and somewhat of freedom will magically diminish as reality hits my face like splash of ice cold water.

all i know right now is to be mentally and physically ready.

FACK

we are the world

first of all, i have to admit that above is a corny saying.. but i also admit that admitting to that concept has taken me a while, maybe my whole life, until these days..

i still dont think i have a complete grasp of it yet. i cant believe im writing this on internet, but whatever.

the past 2 years of living alone and completely isolating myself from the rest of the world, has got me into a little trouble- i stopped seeing "people" for who they are. i couldn't possibly relate myself to anybody, even my family and friends. then i started to build a massive wall around me, telling myself that there was nobody that understands me, i'm a loner, an outcast. i freaked the fuck out. this VERY weird habit that i developed has often made me so frozen, so fake, so everything bad. i couldnt stand being so awkward and self-conscious about what others would think of me, what they were thinking about me, but most stupidly, what i was thinking of myself. then i realized... it wasn't just the 2 years of isolation thats made me this way, those years just intensified things.. i realized i lived my whole life inside a thick wall, ever since our family's immigration to canada. from then on i could only focus on seeing the differences, given the fact that i was in no doubt "physically" different from anybody around me.

but now im realizing that we're all the same, no matter where i go, people are people. as sad and stupid as this sounds, this is a new concept for me. i need to let go, let myself be, and accept and welcome everyone as they truly are.

hazaa!

learning to accept the things the way they are... it's a harder task than it sounds.

i've realized i've been very pessimistic maybe for maybe my whole life, not satisfied with where i am, always trying to be better, always conscious, and even selfish at times. i needed a change in my life, and focusing on what was important has helped me see things a little more clearly, thus the beginning of an important organization of my goals achieved, and yet to be achieved. everything kind of seems to make sense now, because of this:

i think i found a concept of love... more open, forgiving, selfless, but confident. why spend our days worrying about everything when we all know our mortality is well, mortal? (ha ha ha..)

i just realized to disregard the bullshit, and focus on the word "love", which can be interpreted in so many different ways.

i can't tell if my dog is asleep or not, his eyes are half open. he had 4 slices of watermelon, ate them to the last bit. hes a charmer.

this was a good post. now i can look back at this and be proud of myself for not being lazy.

colorado.

taking some time off such a hectic schedule and having time to relax is turning out to be a very good thing.

i've gotten to know myself a little better... learning to accept the things i cannot change, and having the courage to change the things i can. i think im doing okay, i think im doing better. a little less time spent on what i do, and more time spent on who i am..was maybe something that needed to happen, that was aching to happen, but then wasn't the right time nor place.

i want to take advantage of this phase of my life, to learn something new about myself each day, to focus my energy on self-development, accepting the fact that i'm not perfect, im prone to mistakes and flaws. i feel like i can complain so much about how i was raised, the things i was taught growing up, and how it has affected me, etc.. but i don't want to. complaining does nothing but create more problems, and my past can never carry on to my future.

im going to do focus on two things the remainder of my break:

1. focusing on ME.

2. focusing on MY art.

i hope they turn out to connect themselves together. i have a good feeling about this. i have absolutely no clue of how to go about doing these two things, but i somehow know in my guts that it'll all work out in the end. the least i can do is believe.. believing is underrated. having the ability to believe deeply in something i think is something to be respected for, and admired.

i'm rambling on, but writing all this down is helping me clear and organize my thoughts into sections.

okay, this is good enough for now.

more lata!

just bs-ing

friday morning..!

school is draining me. but the rain here is so soaking.

i need to get out there.. wherever 'there' is, to do something to accomplish, to prove to myself of my limits.. and it has to be something different than art.. its too overrated for me, at least.

school is such a forced environment- i need inspiration. an idea, a thought.. or many thoughts, to get me moving on to a different path- to look at things from another angle, in a quest for something deeper.. where people can connect to my thoughts in that specific time, place, and mood. its acceptable. i just wanna say go ahead.. figure me out. its art. it's MY art.

creating something isn't the hard part. it's about finding those little imperfections, the glits and errors.. we as people always tend to overlook these things, we wanna see whats supposed to be right, what's normal, ordinary, plain, boring... those are the last things i want to see. that's bullshit to me. ..

maybe i had too much coffee earlier.

time to zzzzap

you feelin' good?

can i say

im doing fine on cloud nine

oh everyone here is so kind,

could i possibly ignore the sign?

what signs? the shine? or apples of pine?

a doobie from a hobo cost me 2 georges,

and can i say you have never looked so gorgeous.

just gonna hang on the bright side,

i want to guide my own life.

im the one to judge?

you make me wanna say fudge..

im gonna forget and eat a whole baguette.. with strawberry cream cheese.

the train breeze feels nice,

after class the dinner is rice,

gonna add some sauce and spice

what the hell did i just write?

i dont give a spi'zike.

PSYCH3!

2010.

two thousand and ten.

it feels like yesterday when people were hyped up about the millenium.

now we're in its double digits, which kinda scares me a little bit.

for me, the year of 2009 was VERY hectic.

i've had to deal with things that i thought i never would, learned maybe too many lessons, and fought my way (sometimes literally) into the real world. the year 2009 was also one of the most important year of my life so far, because of my decision in switching my major to illustration. i felt like i found myself through these interactive classes. they helped me disregard the bullshit, and guided me to discover my real passion in art. illustration would not only help me express who i am and what i do, but relate my thoughts and feelings to the world, which is the part that excites me the most. the feeling of people looking at your pieces, and feeling a certain way is something that can only be attained by the artist himself. depending on my stroke of the brush, contrast in values, composition, i have the ability to make a person feel a certain way, and different for another- it is the most brilliant and respectable way to communicate. i also love the fact that art is always a process- and the outcome of the process depends entirely on the artist. to find the soul of each piece, i think is most rewarding about creating art.. i have some theories like this about art and life in general, but you're just going to have to wait till i feel like typing again.

my point is, im very content with the major i've chosen, and it will be a easy hill from here and on. but it will still be a hill.

i've most definitely learned from the year of 2009- now the year 2010 is to take that knowledge and experience, and define something valuable for the future. here i come!

crazy

it's an early friday morning, 2:38 AM.

im making some potato patties. i can hear them sizzling on george.

good ol' george foreman. every time i use it, i ask myself: what 'haven't' i cooked on this grill?

WHAT a purchase..

i've been getting busier and busier with school work, now that i have classes everyday except sundays. train ride to the heart of LA.. every monday, wednesday, friday, and saturday. art center classes on tuesdays and thursdays.. i think it's fair to say that i have a fuck load of work to get done.. hence the cancellation of my trip to colorado this winter break.

despite the disappointment, i'm hoping to push through this term with success. i feel like i've been confused about my feelings as an artist, where i want to stand in this career, and how i can develop my own expressions and questions towards subjects and categories of our society, and its people. i'm off the bench, and ready to play again. im confident about the classes i'm signed up for, and it will be up to me to make something of this opportunity, and to prove to myself and others what i can bring to the table, and also, how much i can bring. after this semester i will be able to have some time for myself. i'm still giving careful thoughts about my future plans. but as of right now, i've got some business to handle.

i wanna

get back into this blogging shit again

who knows? maybe i'll miraculously remember doing this and come back and read them all over again, given the fact that i remember my e-mail address, which is old enough.

my rear tire popped on my way to skool today, fucking sucked ass.

it happened right before the fucking hill up to the school, stretches about a mile at 30+ degrees. its hard as SHIT and i have to do it every fucking tuesdays and thursdays. i ended up walking up the hill at pitch black with my tail light flashing, while cars flew up the hill one by one.

that..

made me feel like SHIT. i need a fucking car, i said to myself.

GOD i sound so egoistic. ah.

i buy all this art supplies and i can't carry half of them because all i have to fill is my tiny backpack so i can get on my fucking bicycle to class.

but then again at least i won't get fat and sick like most of the people that go to my school lacking exercise and healthy food, content with nintendo wii, and dollar menus all day.

i really need to go to sleep now.

i swear

nobody said this shit was gonna be easy but i'm REALLY takin' it now.

i have a close friend named alex. he lives 3 blocks away. he used to live in a little apt complex first floor, met some cool neighbors up top, moved in with them right after summer.

alex's new room mate though.. named kahlin or whatever.. is REALLY starting to get on my nerves. i don't think i actually 'hated' a person until now. his racist jokes are what gets me the most. he literally lives off of being an asshole to everybody, and he seems to enjoy every minute of it. even his other room mate says he has four friends who don't come over anymore because they'd rather not deal with kahlin. he is so overly immature, insecure, and attention-deprived, he pushes people away before he is left behind.. which i'm sure he has all the right reasons to do so, it still doesn't make it right. and i'm pretty confident as to knowing what is right and what is too much. alex just got the cutest puppy two days ago, which makes it all more difficult for me because i am obsessed with dogs, hence my friend's dog, hell yeah. anyway..

okay BUDDY..i understand the fact that you're in the whole 'rap' shit and trying to make your name out there. i also understand the fact you think you're bad-ass, and you wanna act all funny and witty with your racist jokes, but DO realize when you cross the line, before you hurt yourself and others. you're young, black, independent, and a virgin. that probably explains a lot.

okay, maybe i'm stereotypical. but whos to say you're not, you racist fuck?

i HATE hate blogs. but this one had to be done. call me a hypocrite, i'll pass this time

cool.

i just saw "500 days of summer", with my good elementary friend nikkole from canada.

a good movie.

home

home. back in la.

first class today up at hillside.

'intro to figure drawing'

our professor, ronald llanos, seems like a rad man.

he read us some quotes from "zen philosophy", which were a little odd, yet interpreted correctly.

seems like a good class. portfolio time. i'm ready.

back home.

home. boulder. 

it's funny how those two words somehow connect themselves together in my mind.

the more i come back to boulder from crazy LA the more i appreciate the beauty and it's subtle isolation from the rest of the state, or even the world. 

i don't even live in boulder, i live in longmont, 20 minutes north. 

nonetheless, i still pretend like i do. 

i'm here for 2 more weeks before going back to the sunshine state, and waking up whenever i want has been the favorite part of my trip.... yet. 

20.

my birthday was wednesday, june 10th.

me and friends went to an "asian-fusion" restaurant called, "equator cafe".

the old town pasadena is always crackin, except for rainy wednesdays like june 10th, 2009.

it was good though, in the midst of all the craziness that was going on inside my little apartment bedroom, i felt like i needed to get the F out of it and celebrate once in a year free pass to get plastered and be on top of the world. 

literally.

first, we had appetizers, edamame, and some yummy dumplings with special soy sauce. 

then the entree. mine was called "wasabi-crusted fillet mignon". sixteen bucks. yikes. 

despite the price tag on a piece of cow and some onion rings,  it was worth it.

twenty-1 is going to be a whole different story. 

20 is plenty.... for now!

fuck

FUCK.

one page of "how-to" takes a whole fucking day.

and its now tuesday. class thursday.

i have one done. (almost.)

FML

yum

hello world,

this coffee tastes really good.

and brother ali never sounded better at 340am.

"struggling to sleep" is my excuse to finish these renderings before class tomorrow.

not much has been up, except missing friends and family. 

i was playing basketball at a local park near an elementary school. 

the time was around 3pm, where little kids run out the school, into their moms' mini-vans. 

i stood and reminisced about my elementary days, playing soccer, ditching after-school academy, sitting in front of an arcade video game box playing "street fighter 2" for hours, until mom came whooping my ass.

this blog was the most pointless

great success.

wowza

wowza. im back on track.

wowza i like the word. master yoda i'm speaking more like....

today, a couple buddies of mine and i took a trip to the dodgers game. A very crowded place.. as they stay up top as one of the league's leaders, it seems as though their fans get more rude and louder. 

i was sort of rooting for the mets, since new york is much more rad than la. living in los angeles and feeling obligated to root for a team i never really took a interest in, (plus it was kind of cliche) didn't quite do it for me. they beat the mets 2-1. both teams filled up all bases one time, but neither fell through. baseball is very boring to watch sometimes. 

afterwards, we got some jack in the box, parked in front of the rose bowl stadium, put an instrumental on, and freestyled for a good couple of hours. i got made fun of for sucking at first,  but towards the end i spat some fat rhymes which was tight. my friends approved by their occasional "OHHH!",  getting hyphy, and gestures like covering their mouths with a fist and bumping to the beat.

afterwards, i wasted (or spent wisely) my time from the day i got back from the dodgers game until now 7am, by watching 3 episodes of the star wars, one of george lucas's most famous, and debatably the best films of all time. 

as weird as this might sound, i watched them from an artist's point of view; observing everything- different situations of environments, characters, colors of the light sabers, and even queen amidala's sexy costumes ;)

i am soopa tired but today is my class day. 

i already passed my bed time. 

now its time to draw... hopefully those humanoids have somewhat stuck in my sleepless mind.

p.s "american graffiti" is up next!

homme.

it's been quite some time since i blogged. 

i finished finals, and came back home for a short break. 

it's been day 5 now, and i'm realizing that i like boulder the more i visit. 

it's not the mountains, it's not the beautiful weather at a mile-high altitude. 

it's the friends, and family. 

being in such a lonely, work-a-holic environment back in california can have some really depressing results, and coming back to a place where i can truly call home means taking a visit from the dark circles of hell to the bright steps of heaven.

here are some things I did at home so far:

• Got to the DIA around 730pm on a saturday. on the bus via home, i met this really rad old man from kentucky, who plays music on thursday nights with his friends, and enjoys taking trips to visit his children in different states. before i left the bus, he said, "make sure to keep your heart open, that's the only way to live." and i replied "i'll keep that in my mind at all times. enjoy your time here!" i kinda felt bad saying; "enjoy your time" to this old fellow, almost sounded rude. he had many things to share, and hopefully so did i.
• I had lunch with my parents at the famous "Rib House" in longmont, (which also expanded in boulder) it was deeeeeeelishus. 
• I missed 4/20 because it was a monday (which also means my parents' only day off in a week) but we went to denver, ate yummy food, and hung out, which was pretty nice. I don't think I'm going to celebrate it anymore, i'll probably have quit everything by this time in 2010.
• I got to hang out with my close friends, which is always an awesome time. I slept over at my fwend ryan's dorm room, and somewhat regretted not going to a university for a while, but got over it quickly enough. phew. travis came next morning and we played baseball. sooper.
• Also kicked it with lyndie, went to the infamous "mustard's last stand" for lunch. chicago style hot dog with medium french fries, check. her usual corn dog and small french fries, double-check. walking around pearl street made me feel at home the most. seeing the street filled with people, street performers and bums is never a regret. we also visited a tea shop named "trident". I forgot the name of the tea I had. bummer. today we went to go see "the kills" at the fox theater. the openers weren't too satisfactory in my book, but I thought "the kills" rocked it- before VV felt sick or something and had to get off-stage. 

i'm trying to relax and enjoy this feeling as much as i can before i step back into the gates of hell. i never looked forward to anything during school days. i wonder what tomorrow is going to bring.

kerryanne.

she's a photographer, who also happens to be my bestie, who also happens to live in Toronto.

Here are some of her pieces:

ONE.

TWO.

If you need any professional shoots, let it be known or forever hold your peace.

:)

my sweeeet lady.

She looks a little different now, but this is the picture of her before the accident. Makeover time is coming!!