blahhg.

as much as i love it here, im starting to miss home. yes, colorado. i knew i'd get homesick sooner or later, but this was earlier than expected. who knows what contributed to this result, but im kind of glad that it did come early because then after its gone, i know that i'll be better off. i miss my friends the most, and my family, the whole atmosphere.

:(

realization.

i've always loved Los Angeles- i guess i'm like everyone else in which all we see of the city and its metro area are pretty much dramatized and exaggerated in the everyday media. now that i've actually come to this place and having lived 12 days, (and counting) there are some things i love, and some things i don't love so much- like every other city in the world that i've lived in. for instance, i came here thinking everyone would be so open to other cultures and being acceptable of diversity at such a city like Los Angeles, but i was somewhat wrong. so many people i see around campus have their little "clicks", mainly of the "click"s ethnicity, or a country of origin. black on black, yellow on yellow, white on white, brown on brown. i was tremendously disappointed in these monochromatic formation of ethnic groups i was exposed to on a daily f-ing basis. maybe i over-estimated this place, or it's just the way life works around here, i haven't really come to figure that much out yet. one thing i know for sure though, is that i undoubtfully HATE this atmosphere. maybe it's getting a little too much of my life and where i stand in this confusing world of diversity, but this was one of the things i was expecting the most out of a big city, and now it came out to be the exact opposite. or rather, worse than expected. and this kind of an experience was never once brought upon me as a serious obstacle to hurdle over, but now i feel as if i have to either join one side or another, and it's starting to really annoy me and take control of me. i don't like it, and im hoping to get out in this big controversy of sterotypical shit hole, and focus what's important in my life, fucking the rest along the way.

The City of Angels.

6 days ago, the most important change of my life was at its commencement. I was moving out of my shell, and into the world, the world being the state of California. Yes, the beaches, the gigantic palm trees, and of course, the everlasting sunshine. Who would've thought that after all these years of moving and about, I would finally settle into my favorite place in the world? I have been all over SOCAL (that's what they call it for "southern california") the past 6 days, from Los Angeles to the Valley, to Glendale, and to where I reside, Pasadena. I live in a small apartment with a roommate named Kendell, who works for The Warner Bros, doing crazy stuff, like programming special effects in movies. How cool!!!!!! Anyway, after a couple of classes, a cigarette or two, and biking through the graceful sunshine and 50 ft palm trees everyday, I can now proudly say that I love this place! I don't know anything about anything yet, but don't worry, I'll figure it out in no time, and the rest is history.

you never know...

2 days ago, my grandmother had a stroke. 15cc of blood was spilled inside of her right brain when one of the veins popped and made her faint. 15cc wasn't enough to make her paralyzed, but her left side of the body is partially paralyzed and she can barely talk, or move functionally as a complete human being.

I have just talked to her on the phone with my parents, and it was one of the toughest things I have ever had to do. My dad couldn't even talk to her because of the tears swelled up in his tear ducts, and I could barely get any words out of my mouth. She could hardly speak, and didn't quite recognize who I was. It is so tragic and so painful to talk to someone you love so much, and not being able to talk to them and tell them you love them so much because they won't recognize who you are. It is even more painful, being half-way across the world, and not being able to run up to her and give her a big hug and a kiss.

So.. to anyone who reads this blog, please do not take anyone (especially the people you love and that matter to you) for granted, always tell them how much you appreciate them for being that certain part of your life, because you never know what could happen to any of them at anytime, right this day, right this hour, and even right this second.

it is how it is.

"these feelings won't go away, they've been knockin' me sideways. "

word.
change. i'm scared of it, and excited of it.
me? alone? in the big bad city of los angeles? give me a break... literally.
hectic, hectic these days are, with so much going on, (rooming and classes, mostly.)

i am worried. I am fearful. I am cautious. I am takin a wide look and a big breath.
they still won't go away.